Luther(an) Bytes of Laughter

 

$100,000

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if, at my funeral, you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something."
They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT scan broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT scan and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our
friend requested."

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his
coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

 


No Ears

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer asks, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted. "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"



 

Equal Opportunity Job Opening:

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read:

"Help wanted.

Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer."

A dog ambling down  the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager said: "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

 


 

The Chihuahua

Two guys are out walking their dogs when the guy with a Doberman suggests they get something to eat at the diner across the street. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "They won't let us in there with our dogs."

The other says, "Sure they will, just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of dark sun glasses, goes in to the restaurant and is stopped by the manager who says, "Hey, wait a minute. You can't come in here, we don't allow pets in here."

The guy replies, "But this is my seeing eye dog."

"A Doberman?" asks the manager. "Sure," the guy replies, "they're using them now and they work pretty well."

The manager isn't sure about it but says, "Ok, come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua sees this and decides to give it a try and puts on a pair of dark glasses and enters the diner. The manager stops him, tells him he can't come in because they don't allow pets inside. The guy replies it's his seeing eye dog. The manager can't believe this and says, "A Chihuahua?"

Surprised, the guy replies, "What? You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

 


Chocolate Chip Cookies

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young
children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments
Sermon." One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke
about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a
chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring
ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to
make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of
this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he
replied.

                                          


Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:


Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery  downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
"Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
for the girth of their first child.          

 

                                                      


~~~ Go Down, Moses! ~~~


God called down to Moses and said, "I've got good news and bad news.
Which do you want first?"

Moses replied, "Most awesome God, if I have brought you any favor
please give me the good news first."

"Moses, the good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people
from bondage," God answered. "I will force Pharoah to release my
children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be
plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land.
Pharoah's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear
because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape."

"And the bad news?" Moses inquired.

"You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement," God replied.

                                              


     

There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard
as they could, were unable to produce little children.
After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem,
they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their
family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your
prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children
shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I
am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything
will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite
some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you
a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to
the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning,
he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made
15 years ago.

Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people
who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!

Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered,
he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the
house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the
wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been
answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him
too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.

She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out,
"TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"

                                            



                                                                        
WHERE IS GOD?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10
years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the
neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents
were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said
he wanted to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the
priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat
behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where
is God?"     

                                        


Christian Math

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be
the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No
big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was
devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not
that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their
son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMS, Textbooks, even
HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll
their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a
Catholic school. Nuns. Daily mass. The whole shootin' match. Well,
the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his
salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan
sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His
mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home.
And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined
expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice.
He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and
quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books
strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged
long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went
straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at
his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first
quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home
with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he
dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to
his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope?
Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother
opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A"
under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed
into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their
young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the
mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first
day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

 

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